Raising children is hard work. It is both exhausting and rewarding. Once they have flown the nest your job doesn’t stop here, and you will forever be there for them if they need you. As they get older they don’t need you as much, but they will forever love you. If you are frustrated because your adult child is showing signs of entitlement, you are not alone. We all want better for our children than we had for ourselves, so we do things to set them up for success even if it means we sacrifice some things for ourselves. No parent is perfect, and many mistakes may be made but they are learning experiences and life lessons to assist in raising successful, independent, and happy humans.
Parents will often say “Why does my adult child treat me this way”? Causing them feelings of sadness, anxiety, frustration, overwhelmed, and lonely when they feel tension from their adult child. There could be a wide array of reasons in which your adult child has become emotionally distant, and you can feel a strain within your relationship. It is possible your child doesn’t even know he or she is upsetting or hurting you. If you feel there is a lack of respect or consideration for your needs it is important to have a healthy conversation letting them know how you are feeling. However, they may not see things through your lens turning what may have been intended to be a constructive conversation into conflict.
It can be difficult for an adult child who may be suffering emotionally to have calm yet constructive conversations. They may take things out of context try to assert control or manipulate situations straining the parent-child relationship. Often there is a lack of empathy or consideration for the parent’s feelings. It is important to set boundaries of clear and concise respectful communication to resolve any issues and allow for a healthier dynamic for the parent and adult child relationship. Parents need to take off the walk all over my sign and not allow disrespect. The hope is the adult child will remember how much they were loved and how much the parents have sacrificed to allow their child to have a healthy successful life. This can be a difficult time in a parent’s life if there is a strain within the relationship. Here are a few things that are essential for moving through rocky waters
- Don’t beat yourself up because of previous mistakes.
- Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat for your child’s frustration.
- Use “I” messages when communicating your feelings.
- Don’t compare yourself to your friends or other parent's relationship with their adult children.
If your child tries to make you feel guilty, next time take a deep breath and remember you are not a doormat. Do these things instead:
- Notice you are being manipulated and allow yourself not to get sucked in.
- Set boundaries and be able to express your needs and wants.
- Often your child wants to argue. Say to yourself “I am not going to argue with them” Instead let them have the last word.
- Remind yourself you are doing the best you can.
It’s okay to sit with the feelings of guilt, but then it’s important to replace the feelings of guilt with a new belief. Stop blaming yourself for your child’s words or choices. You need to remember it’s something you can’t control. Practice forgiveness and self-compassion. When you can forgive yourself, recognize mistakes happen, and you are human can help free yourself of guilt. It is important to take ownership of your mistakes, express remorse with sincere apologies, work on making amends, and show yourself love knowing each day is a fresh start to be the best version of you. If you have made mistakes with your children it can be hard to let go of the guilt but remember you are human and there is no one-size-fits-all book on parenting.
Ask your child to have a heart-to-heart talk to try and rebuild the relationship. Hopefully, they will recognize if they have not been kind to you or taken advantage of the things you have done for them. Set up a plan for when there is conflict so you can have a healthier more productive way to find solutions instead of sitting in hurt.